good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
