u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
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