Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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