Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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