Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
