He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
