my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
