I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
