Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Randomize
