I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Sorry my hands just texted you
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
