I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
