so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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