Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
