I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
