So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
