I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
