You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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