I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
