some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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