Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
They took my balls.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
