I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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