Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
