I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
