don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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