I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
It's just like the Real World with babies
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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