Whod you bang
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
