you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
The ass gains better be worth it
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