whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
