if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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