His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
