dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
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