she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
