he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It's blow job season.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
