I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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