I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
