im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
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Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
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It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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