My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
