Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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