i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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