So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
