im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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