I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
