listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
