I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
