Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
