i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
