I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
