If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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