you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
