i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
