i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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