Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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