Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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