I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
