I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
