non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
