Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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