onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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