after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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